The other day in session, a parent shared a story about their school aged daughter who was grieving the loss of her pet fish, Sparkles. Sparkles had lived in her room for over a year, and she had lovingly cared for her, feeding her every day, watching her swim, and talking to her. When Sparkles began acting differently (hanging out at the bottom of the tank), it was a quiet signal that something wasn’t right. A few days later, Sparkles died.

Understandably, the little girl was devastated. She cried and cried. In response, her family attempted to ease the pain by going out to buy a new fish. That night, as they all tried to adjust to the new normal, the little girl turned to her mom and said, “I like my new fish, but I still really miss Sparkles.”

Her simple words say so much about the grieving process; how we can move forward without being “over” something, and how love and loss can coexist… even in the heart of a child.

The Natural Urge to Avoid Grief

One of the things I’ve noticed consistently in my work as a psychologist is how deeply uncomfortable grief can be, not just for the person feeling it, but for those witnessing it (and especially parents watching their child hurt). There is a natural and loving instinct to fix the pain or rush through it. We want our kids to feel okay. We want to feel okay ourselves.

But grief doesn’t work like that.

The reason why is because grief is not a problem to be solved.  I like to think of it more like an experience to be had… a process to lean into and move (around in, and) through. Whether it’s the loss of a pet, a friendship, a family member, or simply the loss of what we hoped for - it all counts. The size of the loss doesn’t necessarily determine the depth of the emotion.

What Grief Looks Like in Children

Children grieve differently than adults. They may seem fine one moment and heartbroken the next. Their grief may show up in play, questions, behaviors, or even tummy aches. They often revisit the loss again and again as their understanding of it deepens with development.

Grief in children may look like:

• Tearfulness or emotional outbursts

• Withdrawal or increased need for comfort

• Questions about death or what happens after

• Re-enactment of the event in play

• Changes in sleep, appetite, or other bodily symptoms like headaches or tummy upset

What they need most is permission to feel their feelings, to talk about the one (or thing) they lost, and to not be rushed through those feelings or expected to be “over it” in some amount of time or just because something new has arrived (although something new can definitely add some elements of joy or connection at times through grief, too). 

Grief is Unpredictable

A lot of you have probably heard the term grief is “not linear” - meaning it doesn’t just go through nice, neat stages and then it is done. But when a term gets used over and over it sort of loses its meaning, I feel. So instead, I want to just say that grief often doesn’t follow a predictable path. It can come and go, look differently on different days or even in the exact same moment. Sometimes it feels manageable, other times (even long after the loss) grief surfaces again with force. That’s okay, it is not a setback, it’s just part of how our hearts learn to hold the loss and still live life as it is happening. 

What Helps

Whether supporting a child or navigating your own grief, here are some helpful tips: 

• Acknowledge the loss: Saying, “I miss Sparkles too” helps normalize and validate feelings.

• Make space for feelings: Let kids cry, be quiet, ask questions, or talk endlessly. A lot of kids will need repetition and reminders about the new normal (like when they ask if Grandma will be coming for dinner on Sunday and you remind yet again that Grandma has died and you won’t be seeing her again).  

• Avoid rushing to fix: Distractions or quick replacements don’t really erase grief in the long term, they usually just delay it a bit… although they can offer some comfort along the way. 

• Create rituals: A burial, drawing pictures, telling stories, or lighting a candle can offer comfort and connection.

• Be honest and age-appropriate: Kids don’t need euphemisms like “went to sleep” which can be confusing or scary. Gentle truths help build trust and understanding.

• Model grief in a healthy way: Show them that adults feel sad too, and that it’s okay. If they feel scared or worried about you when you are crying or noting how much you miss someone, you can say “It’s okay to cry, Mommy is feeling sad right now, I miss ______, but I am okay”.  

Grief & Love

The pain of grief reflects the depth of the love and connection that we have with those who have died. When we allow children (and ourselves) to sit with that ache, rather than rush past it, we give them the gift of emotional resilience. We teach them it’s safe to feel, to mourn, to remember. We teach them that love doesn’t end when someone (or something) does. We teach them that they can still connect to their loved one internally and lovingly even when the physical presence of them is no longer. 

So whether it’s the death of a beloved pet, a family member, or the quiet ache of a friendship that changed, we can honour that loss by making room for it. Just like that little girl who bravely said, “I like my new fish, but I still really miss Sparkles”… we can allow both: the sadness and longing for what once was, and the hope of what’s to come.

At Sano State Psychology, we are always happy to help.  Get in touch with us HERE or by calling 587-333-6349. 💙

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Our content is for informational and educational purposes and is not a replacement for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're facing mental health concerns, please seek help from a qualified professional for personalized guidance. Every individual's situation is unique, so use the information here at your discretion. While we strive for accuracy, the field of psychology is ever-evolving, and our content may not always reflect the latest research. Please prioritize your privacy by avoiding sharing personal information in comments or interactions. Your well-being is our top concern, so use our content for educational purposes, but remember to rely on professionals for your specific needs.