“Making new memories does not have to eliminate or diminish old ones.” - Kayla Taylor

Grief is something most people will experience at some point in their lives. It can be especially heightened around major milestones and during holidays. Here, I will speak about grief experienced after the death of a loved one, but there are many other forms of grief as well. 

(If you would like to avoid reminders of the challenges of grief, scroll ahead to the section on how to Cope with Grief.)

Everyone experiences grief differently; the feelings, thoughts, and resulting behaviours will vary from griever to griever and might depend on things like:

1. Overall relationship with the loved one, and the amount of time known. 

The nature of one's relationship with a loved one, as well as the length of time they were known, can shape grief. If the attachment was emotionally rich and long lasting, at times, the grief can be more intense or more complicated.

2. The type of person the griever is. 

For example, are you a “feel-er” or a “do-er”? Sentimental, practical… both? This will matter in how we experience and express emotions and what they do (or don’t do) during grief. 

3. The type of person the deceased was. 

Was your loved one sentimental, a “do-er”, similar, or different from you? – this is a big one, because when we grieve the loss of a loved one, we are grieving a relationship: one that both parties contributed to and experienced. So, the attributes, personality, and ways-of-being of the deceased person matter too.

4. How the griever is experiencing grief at any given point. 

Big take-home here is: At any given point. 

Contrary to popular opinion or common knowledge, there is no timeline for grief and, in my opinion, there is no such thing as “Stages of Grief”. The Stages of Grief theory (by Kubler-Ross and colleagues) actually came about while studying people who were dying themselves. Over the years, this theory was widely applied to the surrounding grievers, too. 

Many people know about this theory and think that after 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, and 4) depression, they will reach 5) acceptance, and grief will more or less resolve.

I disagree. All of the above are really just feelings, not phases or stages to enter and exit. Grievers will experience all of those feelings PLUS many more usually. They can have these feelings separately or simultaneously and feelings may dissipate and later return. 

There are many other, often more relevant or personally meaningful theories about grief. So please consider reaching out for more support, knowledge, and education on the grief process if it is something you are experiencing. 

5. How much time has passed since a loved one died AND how much one has spent processing it. 

This might matter. In my experience, grief never fully resolves regardless of how much time has passed, or the amount of personal or therapeutic work a person has done around it. Making sense of a death can make coping with grief a little easier, but there can still be tough times.

For example, a griever can come across a particular memory about their loved one and feel their heart shatter all over again. This can even happen years after a loved one’s death or following countless hours of therapy and processing the loss. And this is normal and okay. Again, grief is a very individual thing. 

6. One’s own spiritual or religious understandings and beliefs. 

Literature shows that if we have some kind of belief about what happens when we die, it can bring about more comfort and peace around the passing of our loved one. These beliefs can even help create a new type of relationship with the dying or deceased. For some, spirituality or religion can also ease our own anxiety about mortality. 

Considering how many factors already shape our grief, it’s no wonder that adding holidays into the mix can further influence our feelings and this process. During this time grievers may experience:

• Memories of a loved one that can be both happy and grief-ridden 

• A heightened awareness of the physical absence of a loved one

• An increased sense of loss and loneliness

• Reminders that they, the griever, can no longer spend time with their loved one: attend functions with them, have new experiences with them, buy them gifts or receive gifts from them, or simply call them to chat.

In addition to all these difficult moments, grief can still feel BIG year after year, not just the first time celebrating a holiday or milestone after a loved one dies. 

Ways to Cope with Grief During the Holidays:

1. Honour Your Loved One. 

Buy them a gift or write a card for them, anyway! Even though you may be keeping it for yourself, it can increase your sense of love and connection to them because you still get to think about your person, what they liked, or what you would want to say to them, etc. Doing this will trigger implicit memories (i.e., a felt sense) and that might be comforting and bring peace. 

You can also do this by writing to your loved one in a journal, speaking aloud to them, or speaking about them to other loved ones, (“Remember when so-and-so always said/did….”) As well, sometimes social media accounts remain open. Writing to them on these accounts can be a good way to leave a public message for them, that other grievers might also benefit from seeing.

2. Engage in Meaningful Traditions and Modify as Needed. 

Pick one thing that is important to you that you really want to carry on, even if it becomes modified. For example, if your loved one absolutely loved the look of the Christmas tree lights while admiring them in the dark, then try to do the Christmas tree lights – even if you modify and just have a small tree with a few lights instead of the big one. Also, explaining these traditions to other generations passes meaning to them, too.

3. Be Open to New Ideas. 

You can decide that you want to do something that you have never done before. It might feel good for one year, or many more to come. Making new memories does not have to eliminate or diminish old ones. 

4. Talk to Your Loved Ones about How you Feel. 

Even if you just pick one person to share with, this can help. Tell them about how you are feeling and what you might need.

For example, if you really want that tree with the lights (even if it is mini-sized), but just don’t have the capacity to do it, see if your loved one might take the time to do it for you, so you can still enjoy it. Ask for help. Loved ones will usually jump at the opportunity. 

5. Create a List of Personalized Coping Strategies. 

What are some of your go-to feel-good (or even a feel-a-tiny-bit-better) coping strategies? Managing stress, big emotions, and our overall grief is easier when we have these ready before we are in the midst of the holiday season.

Ideas like:

• Balance of ‘you-time’ mixed with all the other holiday events (or maybe no holiday events, if that feels more appropriate)

• Setting boundaries and communicating them ahead of time, where possible or needed

• Slowed, deep breathing 

• Journaling

• Going for a walk or engaging in a winter sport 

• Positive self-talk and affirmations 

• Yoga or other exercise

• Socializing or talking to a close loved one

• Therapy

• Other self-care tasks, like having a bath, doing your nails or hair, or making/buying a really delicious nutritious meal

We hope you have a safe and loving holiday season, no matter who you might be missing. 

Remember that you don’t have to grieve alone. We are here to support you if you need. 

If this is an area where you could use support, connect with us HERE

or by calling 587-333-6349. 💙

(Original Blog Posted on November 24, 2023. Edited and reformatted for November, 2024.)

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