“Do you want me to listen or problem-solve?” - Kayla Taylor

Everyone’s got problems, right? Yes, stress is inevitable in our day-to-day lives, and some days call for even more recognition of the trials and tribulations folks are up against. In this blog post, let’s consider how to respond to someone in your life who’s going through a tough time or needs support. 

Maybe you have heard of the notion of asking a person: Do you want me to listen or problem-solve? This is an excellent way to check in and respond in the way that could be most helpful for the other person. Consider this… we all know how to solve problems, and often it seems even easier to solve someone else’s problems. But the person with the problem doesn't always want a ‘fix’ or a solution; sometimes, they just want to feel the emotions they are having, and do that in the company of a safe and supportive person. 

The support person (we will call them) on the receiving end often struggles with simply being there and not jumping into fix-it mode. It is uncomfortable just to sit back and not spring into action, but listening (or feel-it) mode can be even more beneficial sometimes. 

3 Simple Things to Do and Say When You Know That the Answer Is NOT to fix:

• Listen: Intently and actively, allow for silence sometimes, and ask clarifying questions if needed.

  • Example: “So is this your direct boss you are having an issue with, or is it their boss?”

• Summarize: Paraphrase or summarize the issue that you have heard.

  • Example: “So let me get this straight… your boss said you were a fool for not signing off on the report last week?”

• Validate: Affirm that their feelings are valid. 

  • Example: “Wow, that is so frustrating and hurtful!”

***Note: You might need to circle back through these in any order a few times over the conversation.

Though seemingly easy concepts, these are all skills that we can develop and hone in our interactions with others. Take, for instance, novice counsellors; they are taught these skills and practice them throughout an entire semester or year in their early studies, and then continue to practice and hone the skills for months and years afterward, in the rest of their schooling and in their careers! 

There is a reason why therapists are well-paid and highly sought-after professionals. These basic level skills are more complex than they seem (not to mention all the other skills, techniques, and interventions required to support people). Even I still fall into the trap of fix-it mode sometimes, especially outside of work, when loved ones identify problems in my presence. Sometimes, I have to ask myself if that’s what they want or that’s what I want. Therapists, we’re human too! 😉

On this point, it’s worth mentioning that each individual has specific needs, comfort, and habits when they are in the presence of others. For instance, some people have a hard time tolerating just ‘being’ there for someone, listening, and validating. It seems to them that this is achieving nothing since there doesn’t seem to be a tangible outcome or solution. 

But let me tell you, it is sometimes about something other than an outcome or solution. Sometimes, the best thing you can do (and arguably what is, in fact, the fix) is to simply face the discomfort head-on, sit with a person having big feelings, allow those feelings (and perhaps notice or allow your own, if appropriate), and stay the course.

I see this often, both professionally and personally. From the professional side of things, a great example is grief. We will all experience grief throughout our lives, and as much as it pains me to say it, there is no fix here. So, when I see a client who is going through grief, the best way for me to help them is to create a safe space where they can feel it. I can offer tools and resources to help them, but ultimately I am creating a space and safe and supportive connection for them to feel what they need and to have a witness to that experience.

In my personal life, it can be different. As a child psychologist, I have a wealth of knowledge about child development and supporting parents. But, when one of my girlfriends comes to me with parenting woes, I often have to ask myself: “Do they want me to help them fix it, or do they just need to feel it?” Imagine how frustrating it would feel to call a friend to vent or seek solidarity only to receive a TedTalk on developmentally appropriate punishments. Oftentimes, it can end up being both, but people need to feel their experience and have those emotions validated first. Then fixes can be more well received.  

What is the Psychology Here, and Why is This Important? 

Well, our physiology has evolved to want and need secure attachments and closeness physically and emotionally when in distress. Being with a safe and supportive individual does more for our regulation and felt sense of security than actions and solutions do. Safe and secure attachments are the single most important factor in regulating human physiology. 

On the other hand, we also have an innate need for survival, and it’s that need that hijacks the system and makes us want to jump into problem-solving mode. Think: “Where will I get my next meal?” mentality that we are programmed to worry about and find the solution to (but replace that with modern-day woes and fixes). 

Of course, there is a place for solutions and problem-solving. But as I said, we already know how to do that fairly well from an evolutionary survival need, and thus, it comes a bit more naturally. In fact, as a result, it can be the default mode. So instead, let’s try to challenge our brains and the habitual ways of operating by acknowledging what (often) doesn’t feel as good or as easy, but may, in fact, be the best way to help support someone!

So, in the future, when you are supporting a person (however little or big) through difficult times, remember to try out this notion of allowing them… and you… to feel it, instead of jumping straight into fix-it mode.

If this is an area where you could use additional support, please connect with us HERE or by calling 587-333-6349. 💙

Disclaimer

Our content is for informational and educational purposes and is not a replacement for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're facing mental health concerns, please seek help from a qualified professional for personalized guidance. Every individual's situation is unique, so use the information here at your discretion. While we strive for accuracy, the field of psychology is ever-evolving, and our content may not always reflect the latest research. Please prioritize your privacy by avoiding sharing personal information in comments or interactions. Your well-being is our top concern, so use our content for educational purposes, but remember to rely on professionals for your specific needs.