“If you are unsure what might be underneath the anxiety, you can try asking yourself, “What more is going on here?”” - Kayla Taylor

I recently had a conversation with someone about anxiety.  We talked about what it looks and sounds like; they said it comes in the form of thinking about the “What ifs…” and some worst-case-scenario worrying about the loss of a loved one (in essence, that their spouse may be “dead in a ditch” somewhere).  This person was already using the logical part of the brain to talk sense into the rest of the brain.  When the emotional part of the brain becomes hijacked, this can be calming and reassuring.  For example, saying, “This is just anxiety talking… not to worry, my spouse is perfectly safe.”

In this particular case, that strategy worked in the short-term, but then the anxiety continued to re-surface.  We explored it a little more and discussed what else was happening in life.  It turns out that several things were happening that were understandably causing a heightened state for this person … the change of the season, the start of school for one child, as well as a new baby in the picture.  It also happened to be the first week since that baby was born that this individual was left on their own for the day-to-day, with less support.  Side note: the postpartum time and adjusting to a newborn child, potentially alongside other sibling(s), and the depletion that goes along with that is another matter with entirely its own validity.  But for now, let’s focus back on this feeling of catastrophe that this person was experiencing. 

Perhaps we just need to place the anxiety where it truly belongs. 

Instead of completely shutting down the idea of anxiety and thinking, “That is so illogical, don’t be so ridiculous, my spouse is fine,” let’s identify or acknowledge where it is actually stemming from. In this case, it was a lot of different things happening all at once and with less support available. This person felt a sense of relief just considering this idea. 

We decided to:

1. Name it

2. Validate it with self-compassion

3. Re-frame it 

For example:

1. Name it – “I am feeling very anxious,” or “unsettled,” “worried,” “overwhelmed,” etc.

2. Validate it with self-compassion – “No wonder! A lot is going on, and it is my first week on my own. That makes sense. It is okay to feel overwhelmed.”

3. Re-frame it – “This is just a phase. I won’t feel this way forever.” 

Pairing this self-talk with slow and controlled breathing will calm the nervous system and help you feel more grounded and in control.  When we do this, we can potentially avoid the other places anxiety takes us (those catastrophic thoughts) because we have named the feeling and then recognized and validated the situation(s) causing it. 

Take some time to try this out for yourself if you have some difficult thoughts and feelings.  If you are unsure what might be underneath the anxiety, you can try asking yourself, “What more is going on here?” 

Remember:

1. Name it

2. Validate it with self-compassion

3. Re-frame it 

If you are struggling with this or in any other areas, please connect HERE or by Calling 587-333-6349 to connect 💙.

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